WHAT WE THINK
We try to identify the warning flags that the abusers do but that is the wrong way to go about it. The first warning sign that something is not right is in our own head. Our thoughts. When we start to think like this there is already a pattern of abuse and coercive control. Run like the wind...
Thinking that you have to behave differently so you don't set him off. Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells.
The next warning flag comes from friends and family. They will say to you, "Just don't do the things that get him mad". Or, "Just be nice".
Thinking outside the box of abuse.
This is a powerful and essential shift in perspective—starting not with their behavior but with your own thoughts as the earliest and clearest of red flags. This is deeply trauma-informed and resonates with survivors. It also flips the script from “proving he’s abusive” to trusting yourself, which is at the heart of reclaiming agency after coercive control.
The First Red Flag Isn’t
What He Does—It’s What You Think
Abuse doesn’t always start with yelling or hitting. It starts inside your own head.
Before the insults or the isolation, there’s a shift in your own thoughts. That’s the first warning sign—and it’s one we’re rarely taught to
listen to.
Here’s a list of early warning thoughts that may mean you’re already being controlled:
Thoughts in Your Own Head
“I need to be careful how I say this so I don’t upset him.”
“If I just keep the house perfect, he won’t be in a bad mood.”
"Maybe if I stop bringing things up, things will go back to how they were.”
“It’s not worth the fight—I’ll just drop it.”
“I’m probably overreacting.”
“If I dress differently / stop seeing that friend / don’t go out tonight, maybe he’ll calm down.”
“I have to figure out how to fix this before he gets home.”
“It’s my fault he acts this way—I should have known better.”
“I feel scared, but I don’t know why.”
These are not random thoughts. They are internal adaptations to external control. They mean you are already walking on eggshells—and that’s not a phase. That’s a sign.